I've Been Fighting For Myself

Being calm and at peace is what I crave now more than ever.

I’ve been isolating myself the last few months so I can focus on the things I need to do. Some major life changing things have been happening since mid-November, so I have been very introspective towards my life and direction lately. I understand that some might think that’s selfish, but to be honest with you (whoever you are) I’m getting to the point where I no longer care. I’ve been actively seeking happiness in MY life and putting MYSELF first; improving myself, my home, my spirituality and my passions.

Over the last few years (most of my adult life if I must be honest) I have been pretty giving of my time and energy to other people. I guess you can say I am a giving person without even realizing it, it’s a part of my love language. Starting in 2024, I have been doing a lot of shadow work/soul searching/deep thinking on what I want in life. I’ve become a bit self aware of the fact that a lot of people have been pushing my boundaries and this is partially because I have allowed it by being overly kind or caring.

These feelings paired with the current political climate and I am emotionally spent. I’m exhausted, my mental health can’t take it anymore. Social media for me has become a villainous figure in my life, something akin to The Hat Man. Primarily due to political fatigue, clout chasing and generally just bored sheep baying into the void. I can no longer stomach it most days and am thankful that I am not a Mother having to raise a child in this environment. I’ve been exceptionally quiet because I can no longer take the emotional toll of what is going on while feeling absolutely powerless to stop any of it. It’s not that I don’t care because I absolutely do… but the name-calling through inaction because I am focused on not spiraling or falling apart while I try to keep myself together and find happiness in my own life simply pushes me further away from being able to emotionally support any cause. Maybe that makes me a coward, but my mental health is far more important to me than causing a ruckus on the Internet.

It’s damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

[ I seek sanctuary inward or I loose myself in a spiral of anxiety and depression. ]

Being calm and at peace is what I crave now more than ever. I am focused on myself because I am fighting for myself. I need to be present for myself now more than ever. I have things in my life that truly matter and I will not squander my time with those things. I have been fighting my entire life in some way, shape or form… if not for someone else, then simply for survival. My fight or flight response has since shifted into roots and growth.

This year my number one priority is myself. That includes my overall well being and my creative work. I have decided that I am only prioritizing the people around me who genuinely believe in me, my direct home life and the things I am learning.

This is my accountability post.